Confession #1: I am not the parent I'd hoped I'd be...

I have a confession to make:

I do not consider myself to be an awesome parent.  And I definitely do not parent the way I thought I would before I actually had children.

I try to be a healthy mommy.  I try to be a listening mommy.  I try to be a present mommy.  I try to be a creative, laughing and cuddling mommy.

Lately I feel like a McDonald's drive thru mommy.  I feel like I am a mommy who only half listens to my kids and then murmurs... "hmmm?" making my kids repeat what they are saying/ asking a few times.  I feel like I am "in my head" too much.  Always thinking about things and not looking my children in the eye or staying in the moment long enough to register what they need or want from me.  I feel like I am a "no" mommy...  mommy can I watch tv?  No.  Can we play school and you're the teacher?  No.  Can Babu and I go play outside/ go to the park/ take a bike ride?  No. No. No.  I am failing at being a "yes" mommy.

I could excuse myself by saying:  I am 36 weeks pregnant.  My legs are swollen, I can't bend down, I can't pick up, I am tired...
Or...
I could excuse myself by saying:  I am trying to process all these apples... or peppers... or tomatoes... etc. from the garden.
Or...
I could just own up to it.  I don't play with my kids like I should.  I don't interact with them the way I wish I did.  I can get a few good days together and then I'm exhausted by everything and I fall back on passive parenting.  I am just not the parent I pictured myself to be.  I am sad about this.